Flourishing with Healthy Boundaries
Holidays are upon us at this point of the year so this is a timely message to set boundaries and finish the year a little less stressed. Peggy was also a Boldly speaker. If you misssed her there, you can still purchase a recording.
"But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream" (Jer. 17:7-8a).
Boundaries come with a big bag of emotions including anxiety, stress, fear, and guilt. Sometimes we fail to respect other people's boundaries because we want to be in control. Or we don't hold our own boundaries, and other people's messes spill over into our space. Establishing and respecting healthy boundaries can be tough, but without them, we can't bloom where we're planted. It's hard to put down roots when we're busy trying to disentangle ourselves from people or situations.
Why are boundaries important?
I live in a beautiful mountain town, where most yards are enclosed by extraordinarily high fences. This seems strange to visitors until we explain the abundance of wildlife we share our space with. Fences are a tool that protect what's inside, but they also protect the wildlife from a negative outcome. In the same way, healthy boundaries protect us, but they also help others. When we compromise what's healthy for ourselves, we encourage negative behavior and outcomes in others.
A boundary shows you where your responsibility ends, and someone else's begins. Knowing what you're responsible for gives you freedom, which allows you to grow into the person God created you to be.
Boundaries at Work
Years ago, I got a new boss. He’d been in his role two months when I took an overdue vacation. In a single morning, he called me twice. I picked up both times. After the third call, I vented to my friends. One said, “Don’t get mad at him. He’s operating within the boundaries you're setting. You’re saying "yes" every time you pick up. You're training him that it’s OK.”
She was right. Prompted by her comment, I went outside and phoned my boss. I explained how badly I needed the vacation and asked if we could hold off on further conversations until I was back. He was agreeable and even apologized. I didn't hear from him again until my vacation was over. If he hadn't respected my boundary, I would have taken a firmer stance or run the risk of setting an unhealthy precedent.
If you set a boundary with a coworker, boss, or employee, and they don't respect it, you'll have to step deeper into discomfort before the situation gets better. But if you hold the line, it will get better. There are a million reasons we put off setting boundaries, but no one else can set them for us. Here's a 5-step process that can help you get started.
5 Steps to Help You Set Better Boundaries
Think of the last time you said "yes" when you wish you'd said "no." How did it make you feel?
Look for patterns. Who was involved and what was the situation?
Take the time to write down the change you want to make in the future.
Write one step you can take to move you toward that change.
Ask a mentor or friend to pray for you and hold you accountable.
What does God say about boundaries?
Proverbs 4:23 says, "Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life." This is a familiar verse, but I was surprised to learn that the Hebrew word for "issues" means "boundaries; borders."
"Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the boundaries of life."
Heart means "mind, will, intellect, feelings, courage."
The words keep and diligence both come from military terms that mean "guard."
All this really struck me. First, it's a strong example of how relevant the Bible is when we dig into it. God understands contemporary challenges. Secondly, how we manage our feelings, what we focus our attention on, and how we use our minds—all affect how we set boundaries in our lives. Lastly, God uses two military terms in one short verse to emphasize how important it is to guard our mind, will, intellect, feelings, and courage. This is what enables or disables our ability to set healthy boundaries.
How encouraging to know God sees us, understands our challenges, and creates a blueprint to deal with them. He wants us to flourish! Take heart, dear one. It takes work to build a boundary, but it's never too late to start.
Peggy Bodde is an entrepreneur and the founder of Sacred Work, an organization that provides free career and leadership coaching for women. She spent 25 years as a corporate executive and then pivoted to start a freelance writing business. Peggy's passions are writing about the intersection between faith and work and empowering women to show up boldly in both spaces. She's under contract with Moody Publishers to write her first book, Sacred Work: A Christian Woman's Guide to Leadership in the Marketplace.