How Perfectionism Holds Us Back
Perfection is a myth, and yet perfectionism – and the pressure to be perfect in every aspect of our lives – is rampant.
If you are the only woman on the leadership team at work, perfection is a strategy to try to ensure that no one has reason to question your presence at the table. At the same time, you’re supposed to show up as the dutiful wife, the loving mother, the caring neighbor – and bring homemade cookies to the school fundraiser as well. After all, that’s what influencers on Instagram seem to be able to do.
Our inability to live up to an impossible standard contributes to greater self-doubt, thinking that everyone else can do it but you, and constantly feeling like you’re a failure.
But expecting perfection has another cost – we’re less likely to seek out what really matters to us. We may hesitate to make the comment in the meeting, take on a stretch assignment, or step into a new role. Perfectionism inhibits action.
Below are 5 strategies for overcoming perfectionism to live more fully and lead more intentionally:
Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Comfort is a measure of what’s familiar, not a measure of what is good or right. Discomfort is a natural part of a learning curve. Figure out whether something is uncomfortable because it’s new, or because it’s really not for you.
Use first drafts. Great work requires iteration, so why would we expect perfection from the get go? You can lower other’s (and your own) expectations by framing your idea as a first draft. “Here’s a first draft, what would you add?” Lower the stakes for someone else by inviting not their perfect idea, but their first draft thinking.
Own your lens. None of us know everything, but all of us know something. Instead of discounting or withholding your perspective because you anticipate some else’s rebuttal, own your perspective by saying “from where I sit…” You can follow up to inquire what things look like from where they sit. Together, your perspectives create a more complete data set from which to work.
Try small experiments. The success of an experiment isn’t based on a specific outcome. The success of an experiment is that we learn something. Whether it’s showing up late to a meeting and saying “Thanks so much your patience” rather than apologizing profusely and feeling guilty or stopping at good enough, try a small experiment to see what it’s like to not be perfect. You’re likely to learn that the world won’t end.
Build your team. Life is not a solo sport. People around you may not understand the things you juggle and weights you carry. So, who can you add to your team? What voices might you need to add? Whose opinion will you let have weight in your life – and whose will just become noise?
Striving for perfection can distract us from being present, from seeking the things that we most want, and lead us to believe that we are not enough. If no one has told you recently – you are enough. Your value doesn’t come from being perfect; your value and worth come from being you.
Elaine Lin Hering is a speaker, facilitator, and former Lecturer on Law at Harvard Law School. She works with organizations and individuals to build skills in communication, collaboration, and conflict management. She has worked on six continents and facilitated executive education at Harvard, Dartmouth, Tufts, UC Berkeley, and UCLA. She has served as the Advanced Training Director for the Harvard Mediation Program and a Managing Partner for a global leadership development firm. She has worked with coal miners at BHP Billiton, micro-finance organizers in East Africa, mental health professionals in China, and senior leadership at the US Department of Commerce. Her clients include American Express, Chevron, Google, Nike, Novartis, PayPal, Pixar, and the Red Cross. She is the author of the USA Today Bestselling book Unlearning Silence: How to Speak Your Mind, Unleash Talent, and Live More Fully (Penguin, 2024).